


drabble dump 017

by highboys (orphan_account)



Series: drabble dumps [17]
Category: Kuroko no Basket
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-07
Updated: 2012-11-07
Packaged: 2017-11-18 03:57:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/556637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/highboys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this installment: underage drinking! More vegetable crack! Takao and his future professions! Kagami gets all the dogs and marries into Momoi's family! Kise is Kise!</p>
            </blockquote>





	drabble dump 017

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lysapadin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lysapadin/gifts), [aureations](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aureations/gifts), [yukirei](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukirei/gifts), [Armistice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Armistice/gifts), [andreaphobia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/andreaphobia/gifts), [Anon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anon/gifts), [byuldeureuul](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=byuldeureuul).



> tumblr prompts write themselves

Fandom: Kuroko no Basket

 

 

**( Midorima/Takao. In which Takao is very drunk and happy. )**

 

 

"SHIN-CHAN," Takao's voice, tinny and in the first stage of happy, delirious inebriation, booms from Midorima's back. "SHIN-CHAN."

"What, what, what," Midorima says, snippily, not even pushing him away. It's the heat, he thinks. He's too damn tired to move.

"I'M GETTING A TATTOO OF YOUR NAME ON MY CALF," Takao informs him.

"What," says Midorima. He turns to look at Takao and his leg, ever susceptible to provocation. Ootsubo notices and shoots him a withering look, the same kind he gives Midorima when he wants to say 'I know the things you do at night when you lock yourself in your room and I want you to know that, while this is a perfectly normal physiological response to overly excitable and attractive teammates, I judge you for it' without sounding too crass. Midorima wants to die.

"I think Seirin can hear you," says Ootsubo, pained.

"Oops," says Takao.

"You should get a tattoo of his face," says Miyaji. "So I can punch it everyday. Repeatedly. For hours."

"Oh," says Takao, with glazed eyes, "can I lick it too?"

"I hope you go die in a pool of your own vomit," says Midorima.

"It's cute that he thinks he's not going to cry when he does," says Kimura.

"If I get a tattoo?" Takao slurs out, confused.

"No," says Miyaji, patiently. "If I kick your ass for being dumb. Who the hell gets drunk on _wine coolers_ anyway? _Weak_."

"Tattoo," Takao insists, as if that nullifies any aspersions Miyaji casts on his person. Kimura peels him off from Midorima's back, where he's breathing into the skin of Midorima's nape like he can't get enough of it, and Midorima is grateful and inordinately subdued all at once.

"But where are we going to find an open tattoo parlor at this time of night?" Kimura humors him. "More importantly, would they let us in?"

"No one is giving this serious thought," says Ootsubo.

"Except for me," Miyaji pipes up, looking up from wooing prissy middle school girls and breaking their hearts from his PSP. "I volunteer Midorima to do it. Don't you do calligraphy or something?"

He and Kimura trade significant looks over Takao's slumped form, speaking volumes of exactly what they think of Midorima's past times. Lame does not encompass its breadth at all.

Takao, ever the progenitor of bad ideas, says, "Would my hip be more conve -- con --"

"Use smaller words," says Kimura.

"I don't get it," says Takao. Ootsubo agrees wholeheartedly.

Clearly Takao is having a harder time with polysyllabic words than extracting his face from the tatami. " _No_ ," says Midorima, with great feeling.

"I think your ass would be a better place," Miyaji soothes him.

Ootsubo covers his face with his hands. He really hates his team.

 

 

**( Midorima/Takao. In which Takao talks to produce. )**

 

 

Unpacking the groceries from his shopping bag, Takao had the fright of his life when the carrot on the benchtop started talking to him. And of course its first words would be "You are _not_ eating me raw".

After the initial hysteria of Takao checking with Midorima whether or not his soul got transported into an inanimate object ("What is wrong with you, Takao," came Midorima's voice, deep and soothing even as he insulted Takao from the other line, "did you eat those brownies from your psych class again?"), Takao took to the situation with relatively quick equanimity by going through the rest of his grocery bag.

"I'm going to rot if you leave me here," said the carrot, from its spot on the floor, where Takao flung it and hurled a hundred invectives at it the minute it spoke. "You should put me in the vegetable crisper."

"I am not taking orders from a carrot that barely reaches my shoe size," said Takao. "More importantly, I am not conversing with an inanimate object because then Shin-chan would ship me off to the psych ward and I would have to deal with him _all the time_. Out of bed. Do you know how depressing that is? _Don't answer that_."

The carrot stared at him, balefully. "Go die in a ditch."

"I will eat you where you stand," said Takao.

addendum:

At least the banana was a better listener, Takao reflected, later on.

 

 

**( Midorima/Takao. In which Takao picks a career. )**

 

 

Some professions Takao almost chose but was dissuaded from it by wiser people

1\. Education

"I already babysit Shin-chan," says Takao, shrugging. "I should get a medal for this."

"What if you get forty tiny Midorimas," said Kagami, breaking out in a sweat.

"Oh," says Takao. " _Oh fuck_."

2\. Law

"What about this," Takao says, pointing to a page in his codals. They can't arrest him if it's a murder-suicide. Right?

"Why are we even talking about this," says Midorima. "Are you threatening me now?"

"Will you let me get a dog then," says Takao.

3\. Medicine

" _Have you seen your science grades_ ," his mother says. Takao whimpers and says goodbye to dreams of stealing into the break room and peeling Midorima's lab coat off his shoulders, unwinding the stethoscope around his neck and grabbing him by his tie for a kiss hello.

That's a bust, too.

4\. Education, redux

"Freshmen," booms the voice of god from the stage, "I order all of you to cart me around the school _for the rest of your high school lives_."

"He'll make a horrible coach," Ootsubo despairs. "I hope you know this is all your fault for making him pull you around in a rickshaw all the damn time."

Midorima sighs and valiantly does not look back.

5\. Art

"What is that supposed to be," says Miyaji, disgusted.

"It's Shin-chan naked," says Takao.

"So Midorima is a stick man that doesn't have balls, is that it," says Miyaji, suddenly interested.

Midorima makes a sound reminiscent of an outraged cow.

6\. Entertainment

"I'm dropping out of school to join a boy band," says Takao. "A very heterosexual one. Wish me luck!"

Midorima buys his photobooks and tapes all his shows, every single one of them. When the fanservice teeters into inappropriate territory, Midorima has to close his laptop and rage at Takao for indecency.

"Shin-chan, you're a stalker now," says Takao, later, overjoyed.

"I only watch these to laugh at all your mistakes," says Midorima.

Takao pats him on the cheek, leaving glitter in its wake. "Keep telling yourself that."

 

 

**( Midorima/Takao. In which Takao is a pop star. )**

 

 

“You flubbed a line,” says Midorima, when Takao gropes around the wall and opens the light switch.

Takao takes a deep, fortifying sip of the coffee in his hand. “Oh for the love of—”

“Twenty minutes, thirty three seconds, after the AKB48 parody,” Midorima insists. “When you were in that atrocious mini skirt and shaking your hips at that _Himuro_ like a harlot.”

“Yeah, you’d look at my hips, wouldn’t you,” Takao mutters. He toes off his boots. “And I don’t think the audience cared about me forgetting the lyrics.”

“Yes, because you were too busy with your tongue in Miyaji’s mouth,” says Midorima, icily.

“DON’T REMIND ME, AUGH,” says Takao, and goes off to brush his teeth for the fifth time that night.

 

 

**( Kagami/Kuroko. In which the team bonds. )**

 

 

"Why does it have to be another dog?" Kagami wailed at the laptop hooked to the TV. "Why do these games hate me?"

Kuroko handed him a chocolate bar, sympathetically. His hand lingered at Kagami's knuckles. "They do seem very attracted to your sim, Kagami-kun."

From the screen, Baxter rubbed up against a pixelized Kagami in increasingly inappropriate ways. Riko nodded approvingly at Kuroko, like that had been the plan all along.

"Isn't team bonding wonderful?" Kiyoshi said, pushing Tetsuya #2 closer to Kagami's side.

Kagami shrunk in his seat, pushing Kuroko in front of him. "ALL OF YOU," Kagami yelled, "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE."

 

 

**( Kagami/Momoi. In which Kagami meets the family, sort of. )**

 

 

The first time Kagami stepped into Momoi's household for dinner, Kagami froze in the doorway to genkan and stared.

He looked at his phone, then at the plate number. _Momoi_ , the nameplate said, and boasted the apartment number _5D_. He looked at the hallway. Then at his phone once more.

"Taiga, _what are you doing_ ," said Momoi, pulling off her heels and dumping her purse on the nearest coffeetable.

"Checking to see if we entered the wrong house," said Kagami, sounding hunted.

The pout Momoi gave him made him want to scratch at his ear and check if it was red. "This _is_ my house, silly."

"What a fucking idiot, right," said Aomine, from the living room, as he destroyed a bag of chips.

"That dumbass, I understand --"

" _Fuck you_!"

"B-but why is he here too?" said Kagami. He pointed across him, where Akashi stood, with arms folded over his chest.

"Satsuki," said Akashi, imperious as always, "the food is getting cold."

Momoi ignored him, and shooed him away, like the crazy person that she was. "Oh," said Momoi, offhandedly. "He's my cousin."

That made sense -- wait. "What?"

"We don't talk about it much," said Momoi, distressed. "Akashi doesn't like it when someone wonders if his hair is really pink and checks."

 _How would they even check down there_ , Kagami wondered, then promptly wished his brain hadn't gone there. NO.

"When you said the only thing I had to worry about was the food, I hope you realize how horribly wrong you were, now," said Kagami.

"Akashi isn't cooking," said Momoi, sparkling at him. "You are!"

"I am never marrying into your family," Kagami promised.

He was wrong about that part, unfortunately.

 

 

**( Kise/Kuroko. In which Seirin gets all the unwanted visitors. )**

 

 

Kise is never allowed to stuff things in his gym bag prior to visiting Seirin. This is why:

"I don't think a cat tail works like that, Kise-kun," says Kuroko, voice dripping with disapproval. The base of the tail vibrates in Kagami's hand. Kagami drops it to the floor and immediately looks scarred for life.

"You can wear it for halloween," Kise insists.

"I don't celebrate halloween."

"My birthday, then?" Kise wheedles.

"Can I call the guard yet," Hyuuga says.

"Yeah," says Riko, watching as Tetsuya #2 sniffs at the offensive item and Kuroko throws it at Kise with impressive aim, "that sounds about right."

 

 


End file.
